A Plan to Protect

Sept. 1, 2023

In a society awash in pornography, we need to take practical steps to safeguard our families and ourselves

By Ryan Foley

Sept. 1, 2023

Father and son looking at a laptop — RichVintage/E+ via Getty Images

Having worked for years to help parents protect themselves and their children from pornography, I’ve thought and prayed a lot about this social scourge and how to fight it. Based on this experience, here are five pieces of practical advice that I hope will help men to find and foster true freedom.

Forgive yourself for your first exposure. Most initial encounters with pornography take place in the preteen years and are not premeditated. Often, they occur because a family member left printed materials accessible or the internet unfiltered. Nevertheless, such exposure can begin a shame cycle that continues for years. Stopping the cycle requires taking one small positive action after another, availing yourself of God’s grace through the sacraments of confession and the Eucharist, and redirecting the mind and will toward virtue. The first action I recommend is to recall that initial exposure — and forgive yourself for what wasn’t fully your fault.

Tell your story. Exposure to porn is part of nearly every man’s story; no one is alone in this battle, and hiding this part of our story allows it to control our lives. Healing and long-term freedom come from bringing what is in darkness into the light (cf. Eph 6:12-14). If you can, share your story with someone who will listen in confidence and with understanding — perhaps your wife, a trusted friend, a spiritual director or priest. Telling someone about your experience with porn might feel like the end of the world, but you may find it is the beginning of a new life and a healthier perspective.

Go on offense. If you currently struggle with pornography, you must take an active role in understanding your desires and behaviors. The continued consumption of pornography is often a coping mechanism to distract from past traumas, anxiety, stress, loneliness and other negative experiences. Pornography may relieve these feelings temporarily, but the relief doesn’t last and propels you into a cycle of shame and compulsion. Seek to understand and address the root causes of your actions.

Establish accountability. Many men are too confident in their ability to resist temptation. They tend to rely on their willpower alone and underestimate the neurological effects of images that are designed to elicit arousal. The moment such an image appears, you are at a disadvantage. Hormones and neurotransmitters that normally prepare us for bonding and intimacy are activated and influence your decision-making. At this point of extreme vulnerability, you’d better have a Plan B. I recommend accountability software to help you think more critically about your choices online. Knowing that your wife, a good friend or a mentor will receive a notification of concerning online activity can help you resist the desire to view porn and lead you to make better choices.

Protect your family. Today, kids are given unimpeded and unparalleled access to harmful online content. Before handing your child an internet-connected device, set the parental controls and secure your entire home with a parental-control router. If you’re not willing to protect the device, you shouldn’t provide it to your child.

If you catch your child viewing explicit content, resist the temptation to shame him or her. Instead, let your first expression be one of sincere apology and loving concern. Apologize for not securing your children’s devices or instructing them on the dangers, and thus leaving them vulnerable.

Children need and want boundaries, protection and the knowledge that they can come to their father with their faults, feelings and experiences. Strong family connections, not shame-based parenting, go a long way in protecting children and teens from the dangers of pornography.

Like any other important family issue, pornography requires mature evaluation and practical planning. Looking the other way is negligent and reckless parenting. As men and fathers, we are responsible for providing, protecting, sacrificing and making difficult decisions and behavior changes. With God’s ever-present help and his sacramental graces, it’s possible to fight porn and gain the freedom of virtue.

*****

RYAN FOLEY, a member of the Knights of Columbus in Georgia, served for 11 years as a vice president of Covenant Eyes, an internet accountability software company.

Supper at Emmaus (oil on canvas) by Rembrandt (1606-1669) (Photo Josse / Bridgeman Images)

A Plan to Protect

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