Grief and Grace

Nov. 1, 2024

Fathers who mourn the loss of a child can find healing through faith and friendship

By Patrick O’Hearn

Nov. 1, 2024

Placing a rose on a stone — PeopleImages/iStock via Getty Images

“Thy will be done,” said Karol Wojtyła Sr. as he stood over the casket of his 26-year-old son, Edmund. He had pronounced these words countless times while praying the Our Father, but, on that day in 1932, they were laden with grief.

Praying the Our Father is easy when everything is going our way. But when a child dies, we are faced with a dark night of the soul. We ultimately have two choices: either believe the father of lies, Satan, and doubt God’s providence, or trust the Father, believing that “all things work for good for those who love God” (Rom 8:28).

Karol Wojtyła Sr., the father of St. John Paul II, trusted his heavenly Father, and not for the first time. Years before losing his eldest son, he had buried his beloved bride, Emilia, and his only daughter, Olga, who lived 16 hours after birth.

John Paul II would later write of his father’s mourning, “The violence of the blows which had struck him had opened up immense spiritual depths in him; his grief found its outlet in prayer.”

Grief can find many easy outlets — alcohol, isolation, digital distraction — all of which can emotionally strain and damage a man and his marriage. The way of healing is to turn first to Christ, the Wounded Healer, and then to others who can help us our carry our cross.

Yet, after my wife, Amanda, and I experienced the miscarriage of two babies, I wasn’t sure where to turn. Few family members or friends had gone through that kind of loss. I also bought the lie that I must be “tough and strong” for my wife, which impaired my ability to grieve our children, Thomas and Angelica. So I mourned silently, often shedding tears during my commute, while my wife felt she was grieving alone.

But prayers for healing were soon answered. I met a brother Knight, Bryan Feger, the father of three miscarried babies. We bonded over our shared suffering, and our friendship helped me grow in hope.

Whether one’s child died in the womb or as an adult, whether recently or many years ago, a father’s grief is real. And it’s important that he learn to mourn his child in a healthy way. One way to do this is by connecting with other men who are connected to Christ, and who can help him to pray, “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Mt 6:10).

*****

PATRICK O’HEARN, a husband and father of two children on earth and two in heaven, is a member of St. Dorothy Council 8664 in Lincolnton, N.C. He and Bryan Feger co-authored The Grief of Dads: Support and Hope for Catholic Fathers Navigating Child Loss (Ave Maria Press, 2023).

Supper at Emmaus (oil on canvas) by Rembrandt (1606-1669) (Photo Josse / Bridgeman Images)

Grief and Grace

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