Raising Boys and Girls

Dec. 1, 2024

Parents have the challenge and responsibility of fostering mature masculinity and femininity in their children

By Tom Hoopes

Dec. 1, 2024

Domestic Church Mission of the Family.jpg — Pollyana Ventura/E+ via Getty Images

It’s tough to raise boys and girls in the 21st century.

As a parent of five sons and four daughters, I can’t help but notice how different the sexes are — and research confirms what I have seen: A mammoth 2012 Gallup poll of 80,000 people in 76 countries showed clear gender differences that cross cultural and geographic boundaries.

At the same time, mainstream parenting advice tells me that I should go out of my way to minimize gender difference. UNICEF recommends: “Refrain from harmful language … for example, ‘he cries like a girl’ or ‘she’s too bossy’” — and that we choose toys, books and games that challenge traditional gender roles. These suggestions make a certain sense: We shouldn’t pigeonhole boys and girls into strict roles that may have existed for good reasons in earlier eras, but no longer apply — and while gender differences are generally true, few if any of us have all the attributes common to our gender.

But my wife, April, and I have chosen a better way. Drawing from April’s studies at the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family 35 years ago, we focus on the beautiful way God balances male and female virtues. And we model our parenthood on the example of families we know who have raised sons and daughters we admire.

Gallup says that women are more patient, but rather than seeing men as impatient, we prefer to see them as driven. We want our boys to become men of honor, not men of excuses and avoidance — so we promote self-sacrifice, integrity, resourcefulness, initiative, endurance and protectiveness. We do this in things small (requiring they let girls eat first at events) and large (putting them in charge of projects from the laundry to car maintenance).

Gallup sees men as too risky and women as risk averse, but we see different forms of courage — the courage to go out to meet danger versus the courage of close care and protection. Rather than create “girl bosses” who manipulate situations to serve their own interests, we want daughters who practice what St. John Paul II called “feminine genius” — cultivating environments where each person’s virtues come to the fore through understanding, sensitivity, creativity, acceptance, receptivity and generosity.

We mustn’t be afraid of acknowledging the different qualities our boys and girls have. God made them that way with a purpose.

*****

TOM HOOPES is vice president of college relations at Benedictine College and a member of Sacred Heart Council 723 in Atchison, Kan.

Supper at Emmaus (oil on canvas) by Rembrandt (1606-1669) (Photo Josse / Bridgeman Images)

Raising Boys and Girls

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