Loving Under Pressure

June 1, 2026

When family emotions run high, it helps to have a plan to lower the temperature

By Jack Calcutt

June 1, 2026

A family squabbles in a car. — portishead1 / E+ via Getty Images

“Give it back! I mean it! It’s mine!” exclaims our 8-year-old son from a room he shares with older brothers. The activity — if you could not tell — is getting dressed for Sunday Mass. Our family’s intent is to keep the Sabbath day holy, but the situation devolves while Dad tries to take a shower.

“I don’t like it! Get away!” The shouts grow louder as I grab a robe and run down the hall in time to disentangle a mess of humans, clothes and some inconsequential item that has become as desirable as the “one ring to rule them all.”

My temptation is to counter with the same energy: “Stop messing around — or we are going to be late! Give me that!” This doesn’t work. After a stern talking-to and a swift departure, the argument continues over who got “the precious” confiscated by Dad-cop. Mom-cop is no better. “They have done this four times already this week” somehow doesn’t inspire the repentance we know is due.

Negative words and emotions have a contagious effect, making timely arrival at Mass (or any destination) nearly impossible. Instead of calm and focus to get shirts buttoned and shoes laced, we get yelling, grabbing and crying.

After many mistakes, my wife and I adopted three simple practices that improve our odds of piling into our pew before the procession reaches the sanctuary:

Take care of yourself first: We are better helpers and less prone to conflict when we avoid multitasking and manage ourselves before directing our attention to others.

Be present: Pick one person, and focus on the relationship. The best intervention is relational. It begins in love: a hug to console, a reminder of the goal, a helper to track down a loose sock or tie a tie.

Youngest to oldest: Available help goes to those most in need. When the youngest children are buckled in the car, happily sipping from their water bottles, they are no longer emotional wild cards or easy targets for mischievous siblings.

Ironically, the “positive energy” that gets us out the door faster is just our family learning to love each other better under pressure. Jesus implored us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, and to serve him by serving the least among us. When we learned how to put this into better practice at home, we were better at loving him in the Eucharist — and even arriving on time.

*****

JACK CALCUTT is a member of Most Pure Heart of Mary Council 4254 in Topeka, Kan., where he lives with his wife, Katie Scarlett, and their nine children.

Loving Under Pressure

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