Made for Friendship

November 1, 2026

In an age of loneliness, true friends help one another grow in virtue and holiness through a shared commitment to the good

By John Cuddeback

November 1, 2026

Members of the College Councils Advisory Board converse during a retreat in Colorado earlier this year. (Photo by Zach Chambers)

It is no exaggeration to speak of an epidemic of isolation and loneliness today. Several studies in recent years have documented widespread loneliness among young Americans, particularly young men. At the heart of the problem is a lack of true friendship — relationships grounded in love and a shared commitment to living a truly good life.

According to Aristotle, true friendship is rare because it demands virtue, and virtuous men are rare. Such friendship is demanding in any age, but especially today, when we give little thought to its importance. In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote, “To the ancients, friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it.”

Christians, too, have long emphasized the central role of true friendship. In his 12th-century masterpiece Spiritual Friendship, the English Cistercian abbot St. Aelred of Rievaulx speaks powerfully to our age: “Wholly alone is one who is friendless.” He explains how the friendship so valued by the ancients finds its fulfillment when rooted in Christ. Such friendship demands faith and other virtues even as it is a school of virtue. St. Aelred calls it “the highest step toward perfection,” expressing its crucial role in the pursuit of holiness.

With fraternity at the heart of its mission, the Knights of Columbus seeks to foster such friendships. Drawing on the classical and Christian understanding of friendship can help us cultivate these relationships and, through them, bring Christ’s love to a world yearning for authentic friendship.

The gentle but firm words of a friend are often precisely what we need to persevere in living our faith. Being there to help our friends is an added incentive to grow in virtue ourselves.

FELLOW TRAVELERS

Wanting friends is not enough. In his Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle explains that the true friendship we crave demands virtue: it is “the friendship of men who are good, and alike in excellence” (VIII, 3). We were made for virtue — an abiding disposition to do good. Only by growing in virtue do we approach a fully human — and thus, happy — life. Consequently, true friendship, which means sharing such a life, is rooted in virtue.

Friendship both demands virtue and cultivates it. This bracing and beautiful truth is part of the plan written into human nature. Such is the challenge and glory of being made in the image and likeness of God.

C.S. Lewis highlights the shared pursuit at the heart of friendship when he writes, “The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends.” He adds, “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers.”

In calling us to be the men we are made to be, God intends that we have fellow travelers: friends who share our burdens and joys. True friends both help us grow and accompany us in that growth. It is no wonder, then, that Aristotle says virtuous friends are at once most useful and most delightful.

Friends help one another grow especially by holding one another accountable. Here we see the everyday work of growing in virtue together. St. Aelred explains that since a friend is like another self, we should see our friend’s fault as though it were our own. He offers concrete advice: “His friend should not only see but feel that the correction comes not out of rancor but out of love.” He adds, “A friend owes a friend the truth, without which friendship is an empty title.”

Men can serve as accountability partners in everything from practicing chastity to keeping a regular prayer schedule. The gentle but firm words of a friend are often precisely what we need to persevere in living our faith. Being there to help our friends is an added incentive to grow in virtue ourselves.

This sets a high bar for friendship. If the ideal seems beyond our reach, we can begin by learning what it asks of us and setting our sights on it. This calls us to be intentional and prayerful, as well as discerning in choosing our friends.

FROM COMPANIONS TO FRIENDS

C.S. Lewis explains how men have always gathered for worship, recreation and work. Deeper friendship can grow out of the companionship experienced in these activities. He writes, “All who share it will be our companions; but one or two or three who share something more will be our friends.”

Wise writers on friendship emphasize care in choosing our friends. The term “friends” is often used loosely for people with whom we spend time. Following Lewis, we might better call these “companions.” While we should exercise discernment in choosing companions, deeper friendship calls for greater care. St. Aelred writes, “Surely you must first choose, then test, and finally admit someone considered right for such a trust.”

St. Aelred cautions that our desire for friendship can outrun our discernment. He describes the danger for a man who rushes into friendship: “Too eager for friendship, he risks being deceived by its likeness, accepting false for true, feigned for real.” The pursuit of friendship calls for patience, self-knowledge and an ongoing examination of our capacity for deeper friendship.

We also need opportunities for companionship to grow into friendship. An often overlooked challenge today is the lack of settings conducive to friendship. At a time when men too often gather only in stressful work environments or for recreation that lacks substance or is morally dubious, the Knights of Columbus is making a significant difference. Knights gather for charitable works, recreation and prayer, while Cor unites men in study and engagement with the truths of faith. These settings are fertile soil for the growth of the virtuous friendships honored by ancients and Christians alike.

During the Jubilee of Youth in Rome in August 2025, Pope Leo XIV observed, “How difficult it is to find true friendship!” Yet he pointed to the example of St. Augustine of Hippo: “How did he find true friendship and a love capable of giving hope? By finding the one who was already looking for him, by finding Jesus Christ. How did he build his future? By following the one who had always been his friend.” When true friendship is difficult to find, St. Aelred likewise encourages us to recall Our Lord’s words: “Ask and you shall receive” (Mt 7:7).

Through prayer, the pursuit of virtue and the intentional cultivation of friendship, we can make progress in forging the friendships for which we were made. In his 2026 Annual Report, Supreme Knight Patrick Kelly noted a sign of hope amid the challenges facing young men. Citing a significant increase in conversions, he said, “They need real friendship and real connection — and they are finding it in the Catholic Church.”

In authentic friendship, we can discover for ourselves the truth of the words in the Book of Sirach: “There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend, and no scales can measure his excellence” (6:15). B

*****

JOHN CUDDEBACK is the author of True Friendship (Ignatius, 2021) and The Intentional Household (Ignatius, 2026). He is also the founder of LifeCraft, a project for renewing households, and a professor of philosophy at Christendom College in Front Royal, Va., where he is a member of John Carrell Jenkins Council 7771.

Archbishop James Golka of Denver, Colorado state chaplain, preaches the homily during the opening Mass on Aug. 4.

Made for Friendship

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